Now that Thanksgiving is over, not to mention the day AFTER Thanksgiving, I can tell you all the two things I am most thankful for.

1. Having my wife beside me for another holiday.

2. Having survived what is undoubtedly the worse day of the entire year if you work in retail…BLACK FRIDAY!

Yes, today I survived my ninth Blitz Day at Wal-Mart. This is roughly equivalent to fighting the battle of the Alamo nine times and being on the Texan side each time…and still living to tell the tale.

I thought about this phenomenon this morning at three-thirty as I shuffled out to my car in 20 degree weather for the forty minute commute to the store and to what amounted to my own execution. Come to think of it, that’s not right, an execution would have been a lot quicker and cleaner that death-by-idiot which we suffer at the door of Wal-Mart.

As I drove sullenly over the darkened roads toward the store, I gave some thought as to why we have this particular event here in America. I would like to be able to tell you that I had come up with some startling insights on the subject, but I haven’t really. I was just left to wonder…why.

I tried to think of one thing in this world that would compel me to get out two hours before dawn on a morning that would cause ice burn to a polar Bear’s arse. What could I possibly need so badly that I would face those crowds at that time of morning/night? Absolutely NOTHING…that’s what. I do not even pretend to know what makes a person’s mind convince their body to go through something like that if given a choice.

You give me the choice between Shopping on Blitz Day and raping a wildcat with a wet noodle….me and that damn cat are fixing to have carnal knowledge of one another!

I mean for the love of Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Dildo, do you really believe that little Johnny or little Mary is going to suddenly develop bleeding hemroids and sporadic bouts of low self-worth leading them to an adult life of under-achievement and marrying outside their species if you don’t run right down to Wal-Mart and buy them the latest I-Pod, M3P player, video game console or any other of the thousands of cutting edge electronic toy.

My God people have we sunk so low as to equate our own worth as a parent by the number of useless pieces of crap we buy our kids once a year. The same crap that, within the next year will be sadly outdated and promptly forgotten by the unthankful little urchins.

I wish I had the answer to this

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